Care Conversations 8 – Poor Substitutes for Avoiding Discipline
If it is true that discipline, love and grace are beautifully connected and are positive things for our growth and development, then that is a good starting point for working out how discipline might occur.
If we do not have this clear understanding of the positive nature of discipline, we will either engage with it poorly, or even avoid it altogether.
Ann Benton is married to John, a Christian pastor, and they have four children. Ann has involved herself in education as a volunteer and has also served for many years as the chair of a school board.
She has written a number of helpful books with regard to parenting, children and discipline. One is called “Aren’t they lovely when they’re asleep”! One that is very helpful with regard to understanding discipline is “Parenting Against the Tide”[1]
One of the matters that she raises is the poor substitutes that we might use instead of discipline, if we do not understand things from a Biblical Christian perspective. These include:
- We provide excuses for wrong attitudes and behaviour
Rather than address issues in firm but gracious ways, we use phrases like:
- He’s tired…
- She had a late night…
- His friend made him do it…
- She has never done that before…
- He misbehaves when he has too much sugar…
- She was bored…
- All children do it…
- He’s had a hard day…
- They were disappointed…
- He’s got low self esteem…
Whilst these things may be true and need us to be sensitive and understanding; they should not prevent us from graciously challenging and correcting wrong attitudes and behaviours.
Our goal is to encourage young people to take some responsibility for their own behaviour. Providing constant excuses teaches them to justify their behaviour because of someone else or the nature of their circumstances. We may be simply teaching them how to blame-shift.
- We ignore situations that need attention
Areas of misbehaviour or wrong attitudes are deliberately overlooked rather than addressed. As an educator, I have seen this happening in schools. Teachers may observe a misdemeanour but decide to not intervene. This may be OK for very minor problems, which students are often able to resolve for themselves. These things most often happen in a playground during a lunch-time break. The teacher’s most frequent response is: “They are not children for whom I am responsible.”
Other things we might say:
- She’s expressing her individuality…
- It’s not that important…
- We want him to be independent…
- I’m too tired….
- Kids will be kids…
Ignoring situations is a failure of discipline, and actually a lack of care for the offender. We need to help our young people to understand right and wrong and the behaviours associated with those moral choices.
How easy is it to provide excuses or ignore situations that would benefit from a disciplinary intervention? More alternatives to gracious and positive discipline next week.
Blessings,
Brian
[1] Benton A Parenting Against the Tide Evangelical Press UK 2014